


Flying While Falling

by Archangelsanonymous (Pattypixie)



Series: Endverse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Drug Abuse, Multi, Psychotropic Drugs, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, So we put some angst in your angst so you can angst while you angst, Suicide, it's complicated - Freeform, kind of, yo I heard you like angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:56:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattypixie/pseuds/Archangelsanonymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel was no angel. Drugs consumed his life and the only light was the man he fell for, in every way possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All drug reactions are based on personal experience or the experiences of close friends. Reactions can be drastically different for each person. I do not condone doing or abusing illegal substances, especially underage or alone. 
> 
> Basically, don't do drugs, mmmkay?  
> (Or if you do, be responsible!)

   Cas had never realized how much he had missed being emotionless until he had his first high. How he missed the feeling of not caring, and the way that meaningless things seemed to make more sense. Honestly, he never understood why Dean got so upset about his drug use, considering the hunter had given him his first hit.

   It was just after they had gotten the news that Sam had said 'Yes' in Detroit. After driving for miles in silence, Dean had pulled over on a country road. He got out and popped open the trunk, pulling a baggie of about 10 hand-rolled blunts out of a secret compartment. Castiel questioned him at first, wondering why he would want to be impaired on the eve of a war.

   "I just don't want to feel, Cas," Dean explained as he closed the trunk and walked around to the front of the car. He leaned back and lit it, inhaled deeply, held it for a few moments, then let the smoke slowly seep out of his mouth. Cas hesitantly grab the joint as it was offered to him, and tried to mimic what Dean had done. The first time, he held it too long and ended up doubling over in a coughing fit. Dean laughed and handed him a water bottle, explaining that the reaction was normal. The second hit was easier on him, along with the third. They passed it between them, until only the roach was left. Dean placed it back in the baggie, stuck it in his jacket, then climbed up onto the Impala's hood. Cas joined him, taking off this trenchcoat, balling it up so they could use it as a pillow. There they laid for hours, silent, just staring up at the clear night sky.

   The first thing he noticed was how well the drug mimicked the feeling of being out of his vessel. He was weightless, floating along as a consciousness without a body. His eyes followed the stars, letting himself leap and jump and slide between them. The world fell away and it was only him and Dean, drifting slowly across the heavens. He felt a tugging in his eyes, urging them to close, and he did, grasping onto Dean's jacket for security. This brought completely new sensations, letting him focus on his other senses. He heard the rustling of the corn in the field next to him. He felt the rise and fall of Dean's chest and heard the soft breathing. The cold metal of the car seeped up into his body and he shivered a little. His eyes quickly snapped open, suddenly uncomfortable and over stimulated. He gripped the soft leather a little more and relaxed as it grounded him. It was amazing and terrifying to be reminded how it felt to be an angel. Jimmy was right. It was like hitching a ride on a comet.

   He could feel his senses dulling as he came down, and became exceedingly hungry. Cas nearly jumped back into the Impala when Dean suggested they find a 24-hour burger place. They found a McDonalds in the next town and sat in the parking lot, discussing the philosophy of fast food and eating happily. While other memories constantly faded or merged together with every new high or low, Cas never forgot that night no matter what he had taken over the years. That night was the beginning of the end.

   He couldn't quite remember when he had started smoking without Dean, but he certainly remembered when he found out. It was back when Bobby's was still 'Apocalypse Rangers HQ', as Dean lovingly put it once when he was baked out of his mind. The hunter went through his trenchcoat while Cas slept off an Indica high in Dean's bed. When he woke up, he was greeted with Dean chewing him out about the baggie he had found and how the goddamn middle of the apocalypse isn't the best time to be high. The fallen angel stretched out on the bed and put his arms behind his head. His tie had been discarded months ago and his shirt hung on him, unbuttoned, exposing his chest. Cas vaguely listened as Dean rambled on, focusing instead on more interesting things. Things like the way that the hunter's tee shirt clung to his torso, or the stubble that lined his jaw. Dean really just needed to shut up. Cas stood up wordlessly, and grabbed him by the shoulders to hold him still as he pressed their lips together. While most feelings, he'd rather do without, how he felt about Dean was one he could never rid of, nor did he want to. The hunter stiffened at first, but finally gave in, wrapping his arms around Cas's waist. They fell into the bed, a tangle of lips, limbs, and lust. It was what they both needed after so long. Dean let Cas learn on his own, letting him explore his body, trying things and responding accordingly. It wasn't long before Cas was an expert in taking Dean apart, and slowly putting him back together. He loved the slide of their bodies against each other and the feeling of being so severely needed. It reminded him of prayer, especially when heard his name falling off of his lover's lips. He could give or he could take and Dean let him until they were both left, panting and satisfied, coming down from a new high.

   Sleeping with the hunter soon became his drug of choice, his need sometimes becoming overwhelming at times, and eventually it wasn't enough. The first time Dean caught him with someone else, Cas expected anything but what he received. Indifference. The hunter just shrugged at him and the naked girl next to him, then turned and walked away. Cas threw on a pair of discarded sweatpants and followed after him. As he tried to explain, Dean's expression never changed.

   "It's the end of the world, Cas," Dean reminded him, lining his words with ice. "I don't have time to be jealous. Fuck who you want." He turned his back and walked away, leaving Cas stunned in his wake. After a moment, he headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Cas grabbed the sink and stared at himself in the mirror for a while. He reached up and watched his fingers trace the bags under his eyes, then rub the stubble, growing out on his jaw, against his palm. He burst out laughing, staring into his own blue eyes. Millenias of taking orders in heaven, being one of the best warriors in God's army, and here he was. Castiel, angel of Thursday, leader of a garrison of angels assigned to earth, getting stoned off his ass and having intercourse with humans. Wherever God was, he was probably laughing his ass off too. He could finally understand why God and even Dean didn't care. There wasn't a point. Cas opened the medicine cabinet and noticed a couple bottles of familiar pills. Bobby's oxycodone and muscle relaxers. Not even hesitating, he popped the bottles and took one from each, chewed them up, and washed the powder down with a handful of water. Cas shook his head instinctively to get rid of the bitter taste, then turned on the shower.

   That was how he spent his first opiate high. Sitting in a bathtub, naked, letting the shower fall on him like rain. He daydreamed that he was in a rainforest as the world swirled and lightened around him. Everything he could, he let float away, leaving only apathy. He didn't even bother to open his eyes when he felt the water turn cold. It was just a new sensation he got the pleasure of experiencing. Cas turned his head slightly when Dean pounded on the door and forced himself in, but only because it pulled him out of his daydream. He whined a little when Dean turned off the shower, and vaguely protested as he lifted the former angel out of the tub. A towel was wrapped around his hips and he leaned into it, causing him to lose balance and fall into Dean's arms. The hunter was silent as he proceeded to pick Cas up and take him to his room, laying him down on the dirty sheets. Cas rolled over, his nose filling with Dean's scent, causing him to practically purr. Dean carded his fingers through his black hair until he closed his eyes for good, subcumbing to sleep. When Cas finally woke up, Dean wasn't there, not that he expected him to be. He threw his towel to the side, and grabbed a pair of Dean's jeans and one of his old tee shirts. After slipping them on, he went into the kitchen, where Dean was making eggs. He didn't speak to Cas then, or for the rest of the week.

   "We've had news that the Croatoan virus has infected at least half of the country," Dean announced the next week to a living room full of people, including Cas and, new arrival, Chuck. "Bobby and I have discussed it, and there is an old abandoned boy scout camp 50 miles from here. There will be cabins, and you may have to share, but it's necessary. There will be room to expand our efforts and we will be at an advantage when we have to go up against Sa--" The entire room tensed as Dean corrected himself. "Lucifer. When we go up against Lucifer." Cas saw as Dean clenched his fists, reminding himself that Sam was gone. It may have been almost 2 years, but the pain was still there. "If you don't want to join us, that's fine, but don't come crawling back when the croats are all over you. We leave tomorrow." He stepped away and out of the room, leaving the group to discuss the news. Cas followed him into the kitchen and grabbed a beer for each of them. Dean accepted the beverage and Cas sat at the table across from him.

   "Do you really think this is a good plan?" Cas asked, taking a sip.

   "Unless you have some kind of drug induced vision you'd like to share, we don't have any other plans," Dean took a sip as well, staring at the fallen angel. Cas's face cracked into a smile.

   "I don't see what the big deal is, Dean," He sighed. "I'm just trying to take off the edge."

   "You're trying to not feel. I know what that looks like," The hunter corrected, taking a large swig. "When are you gonna face facts, accept, and embrace humanity?"

   "That's the beauty of it," Cas explained. "I have accepted it and I'm embracing all it has to offer. As an angel, I took for granted the the things I feel when I'm chasing a high." He leaned back and downed the rest of his bottle. "Why wouldn't you want to feel like an angel all the time?" Dean frowned then tipped his bottle up and drained the rest of his beer before getting up and crossing to exit the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway, but didn't turn around.

   "Are you going to come?" Dean asked, gripping the door frame.

   Cas sighed and set his bottle on the table. "Of course," He replied, not looking up. He heard Dean leave the room and was about to leave as well before someone else came in.

   "Castiel, right?" The man asked, sitting down across from him.

   "It's Cas," he amended, swirling the bottom of the empty bottle around on the table. "Dean just left."

   "Nah, man, I was looking for you," The man pulled his backpack onto his lap and produced several plastic baggies. A few contained different pills, two contained weed, and one contained dried mushrooms. Cas's eyes widened at the selection.

   "This is...wow," Cas picked up the mushrooms, eying them with longing. He was very excited to try hallucinogens.

   "It's all yours," the man explained, causing Cas to look up, "for a price."

   "Obviously," He put the bag of mushrooms down. "What do you want?"

   "When we get to whatever camp Dean was talking about, I want a nice cabin for my wife and I. We're expecting," the man said, causing Cas to chuckle a bit.

   "Congratulations. However, what makes you think I have any authority over anything, much less housing?"

   "Well, you and Dean are...You know..."

   "What?"

   "To-together?"

   Cas laughed a bit and stood up, gathering the baggies. "Don't let him hear you say that," He mentioned. "I'll put a good word in. He tends to at least consider my opinions." He walked away to his room and laid the bags on his dresser. The recruit--When the hell had they started calling them that?--wasn't completely wrong. No matter what arguments or disagreements they had during the day, Dean always wound up in his bed every night. They never talked anymore. Sometimes Dean would just come in, take what he needed and left. Other times they would just lie there all night, Cas listening to Dean's breath and the soft, dreamy mumbles that escaped. He didn't mind. Dean was who he fell for, in every way possible.

   He peeled off his shirt, then fingered through his new supply. The baggies with pills were marked "Methylphenidate", "Vicodin", "Xanax", and "Molly", but Cas's attention was consumed by the mushrooms. It was still early in the day. He picked up the bag and opened it, breathing in the earthy smell, and poured out about 5 of them. Taking a deep breath, he popped them into his mouth and chewed, cringing at the bitter, grassy taste. Cas grabbed the glass of water he kept on the nightstand and washed the mushrooms down, swallowing hard. Closing his eyes, he fell onto his bed and let the glass roll out of his hand and onto the floor.

   The effects came on in waves, cascading over him and slowing time, sometimes to a stand still. Everything felt new and fascinating, like the first time he had come to earth. Even his breath grabbed his attention, causing a lightness in his chest whenever he thought about it. The high was in stages, changing and shifting like scenes in a play. One moment he was in the desert, letting the wind erode him away, and watching centuries go by in the blink of an eye. In the next, he flipped onto his stomach and stared at his pillowcase for what seemed like days, tracing the patterns he could suddenly see with his fingers. The world came together and slipped out of focus as easily as just turning his head. At one point, he climbed off the bed and grabbed one of Dean's shirts, just holding it and staring. He brought it to his face and breathed in, flooding his mind with sensations and feelings buried deep within himself. The room melted away and he lost himself in memories of the hunter, the high distorting them a bit. A while later, he pulled the shirt away from his face, seeing it wet with tears, but not remembering crying or why. Cas reached up to touch his face and wiped away the remaining wetness, tossing the shirt to the side as he lost interest. The high went on for hours, but it seemed like years. Or maybe minutes? He didn't know but didn't care either. Reality started to seep back into being and he laid back down on the bed, feeling abnormally tired, and rather sick. He fell quickly into a dreamless sleep, barely registering when Dean came in to lay beside him.

   Cas woke up to pounding on the door and Dean telling him to get his ass up because they were heading out. He rolled over, and sat up on the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes. The clock said three in the afternoon, but it felt like he hadn't slept for days. The pounding on the door continued until Cas yelled that he would be out in a minute, and gave himself a headache in the process. He stood up and grabbed his duffel bag, shoving various clothing articles inside. After packing it, he sat back down on his bed, exhausted. Gathering up his strength, he went back to the dresser, grabbing the baggie labeled "Methylphenidate" and popped two. He chewed them up instinctively, surprised that they weren't quite as bitter as most pills, then zipped the baggie up and threw it in his duffel with the other bags. Looking around the room, his eyes landed on his trenchcoat. Cas walked over and picked it up off the chair it had been thrown on. His fingers slid across the khaki fabric as he folded it up and set it back down on the chair. That was Castiel's coat. An angel wore it. Cas didn't. Cas was human and that coat reminded him of something that he wasn't anymore. It was filled with promises he never kept and wishes he could never fulfill. Castiel was gone. Cas slipped on a shirt, then zipped up his bag before throwing it over his shoulder and walking out of the room. He made a stop in Bobby's library, grabbing a couple of the more spiritual (or hippie nonsense) books that he kept. While he couldn't be an angel, he could at least be a guide.

   "Took you long enough. We should be on the road," Dean commented as Cas walked out, and threw his bag into the backseat of the Impala. Until he sat down, Cas didn't notice how fast his heart was beating or how focused he could be. Any sign of fatigue had been whisked away and was replaced with excitement and restlessness. He felt like he could do anything. Dean got into the driver's seat and turned on the car, sighing a little as he took one look back at Bobby's. Eventually he took off, the Impala leading the caravan away from the scrapyard. Cas stared out the window, surveying the landscape, fascinated. He thought about the camp and ideas came flowing into his head faster than he could store them away for later. To remedy this, he started voicing them to Dean, not caring if he cared about them or not. Some seemed relatively reasonable while others were just beyond ridiculous. Dean's grip around the wheel tightened as Cas went on, quickly becoming annoyed.

   "...It's so simple, Dean. If people would just--"

   A hand shot out in front of Cas's face and clamped down on his mouth, forcing him against the seat. "I swear to God, Cas," Dean started, not taking his eyes off the road. "If you don't shut up I'm going to push you out and you can walk. Capiche?" Cas briefly considered walking, but the rest of his mind agreed that staying in the car was the best option. He nodded against Dean's hand and the pressure eased up. Dean let his hand fall down and grab onto Cas's. He stared at the hand that was suddenly covering his, then looked up at Dean, who just kept staring forward. Cas intertwined their fingers then turned back toward the window, staring out in silence. The thoughts kept coming, but he stayed quiet, resorting to just mumbling under his breath. Dean used their joined hands to turn up the volume of the stereo, easily drowning out Cas's rambling. They remained like that for the rest of the ride, hand in hand, as Metallica blasted through the speakers.

  



	2. Chapter 2

    The weeks turned into months as they lived at the camp. They all fell into a sort of routine as they adapted to their new roles and environment. Dean lead, and Chuck had become his secretary of sorts, organizing the camp and delegating tasks. Cas had turned into somewhat of a spiritual advisor, since most people seemed to think that being an ex-angel made you special somehow. It didn't, but he never turned people away. "Helping the camp helps the cause" was the phrase that Dean drilled into peoples heads these days. Only Cas knew that he didn't believe a word of it. Dean still spent every night in his bed and would whisper confessions into the dark stillness as Cas listened. Afterward, the former angel would kiss away his worries and doubts until they slipped away into sleep, holding eachother close. Dean had even started staying in the mornings, letting Cas wake up to emerald eyes and freckled cheeks. It had almost started to feel like they could have a real chance at life.

    Six months in, Zachariah showed up, offering Dean one last chance to say yes to Michael before the angels left earth altogether. Dean refused, of course, and it had resulted in several dead angels and humans. Among the dead was Zachariah and Bobby. The hunter was emotionless as they loaded Bobby's body onto a truck, wrapped up in whatever sheets they could spare. Dean insisted that he be salt and burned next to where Karen was. They left the other bodies to be taken care of by the collective as they loaded supplies. Cas accompanied him to the abandoned salvage yard, stoned out of his mind, keeping silent as they drove. Building the pyre was the hardest thing Cas had ever seen Dean do, since he was set on doing it himself. He hated seeing such a beautiful soul be tortured through so much death and loss. They stood together as they watched the body go up in flames, Cas taking a puff from a joint he had brought with him and Dean refusing it as he took a swig from a bottle of whiskey.

    "Do you think I should have agreed?" Dean asked Cas suddenly, still staring at the flames.

    "Do you?" Cas responded, taking a hit.

    "None of your philosophy shit, Bob Marley," he took another drink from his bottle. "Would it have done any good? What was the plan?" Cas's eyes widened. He had never asked before then.

    "Are you sure you want to know?" Cas sighed as Dean nodded at him. "I wasn't given a whole lot of information back in those days, considering I had gotten so attached to you. From what they did tell me, I gathered that Michael and Lucifer were to have a big ass battle, with mirror brothers as their vessels, killing millions. Their battle would rage across the world, leaving scars and desolation in it's wake. Michael would be destined to win, inevitably killing Lucifer and the earth would begin anew." Cas turned toward Dean, who was still just staring into the flames. "At that point, Michael would take leave of your body, leaving you to suffer here on a wasteland of a planet while he went back to heaven to lead again." He took another hit and looked back at the pyre. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

    "What happens now?" Dean practically whispered, his grip loosening on the bottle.

    "We live," Cas replied. "We survive."

    "And you'll be there?"

    "Of course."

    They stayed there until the sky was dark and the fire burnt out, Cas's arm around Dean to hold him up in the drunken stupor he drank himself into. He walked Dean to the truck and placed him in the passenger's seat. Dean mumbling something before passing out against the seat as Cas turned the truck on and took off. That was the last time they would ever be at Bobby's. When they got back to the camp, he carried Dean to his cabin and laid him down on the bed. Cas pulled off Dean's boots and set them at the end of the bed before taking his off as well. He grabbed a blanket, then crawled in behind Dean, holding him close. The hunter would be a whole new person when he woke up, and Cas knew it. It was how he dealt with loss. By burying it and only letting it out when he needed the strength. Cas rubbed his face against the short brown hair in front of him and drifted off to sleep, not sure who he would wake up to, if anyone at all.

    Cas woke up to someone, just not who he expected. A large thump jarred him awake and he grabbed the knife he had learned to keep under his pillow. Someone lay in the middle of his floor, crumpled in a pile, panting as if out of breath. Cas slowly crawled out of bed and knelt down next to the person. The intruder looked up at Cas, revealing golden eyes before passing out. Cas's heart caught in his throat. Gabriel. He ran to the door, yelling for Chuck and Dean to bring a stretcher. They came quickly, both recognizing the archangel as he was hauled to the medical cabin. Cas didn't have answers to the questions they were asking and told them that they'd have to wait for Gabriel to wake. The former angel refused to leave his side until he woke up, not eating and barely sleeping. There were so many answers he needed.

    The archangel stirred a few days later, turning his head to see Cas, wide-eyed and ragged. Gabriel smiled and chuckled a little, causing him to cough.

    "Castiel. Of course it's you," he managed to say, still a little breathless.

    "It's just Cas, now," he grabbed onto Gabriel's hand as if to check if he was really there. "How did you find me?"

    "Once I noticed that I was cut off, I started seeing if any other angels had been left on earth...that weren't Lucifer, of course," Gabriel narrowed his eyes and looked a little closer at Cas. "I guess you still have a little grace in ya, since you were the only one I found. I flew here, using up any juice I had left." He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "I can't believe they forgot about me."

    "I don't know what you expected, Gabriel," Cas leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "After you left, the host assumed you were dead. I was the only one who knew of your existence, but I respected your privacy and kept it to myself."

    Gabriel winced a bit then relaxed. The pain of falling. "Is it always going to hurt this bad?" Castiel sighed and stood up.

    "It gets better. It's probably worse for you since you used all your grace up so fast," Cas started walking toward the door. "I should go tell Dean you're awake. He has some questions." He exited the cabin and closed the door behind him. Before going to Dean, he stopped by his cabin and lit up a bowl he had packed previously in a blue bong. People had started giving him various salvaged glass pieces as payment for spiritual enlightenment. He didn't have the heart nor the willpower to refuse, even though all they were getting out of it was a couple orgasms or some scented oil smeared across their body. Cas laughed as he exhaled, glad that it was Gabriel, and not a more uptight angel that had been left on earth with him. At least "The Trickster" could appreciate sex, drugs, and whatever Cas was now. He set the bong down, feeling the high wash over him, grabbed a bottle of pills, then went to find Dean.

    Their fearless leader was standing with Chuck by the storage cabins, discussing preparations for winter. He looked up when he noticed Cas and walked over.

    "Is he awake?" Dean asked, ignoring Chuck trailing behind him.

    "Yeah," Cas confirmed. "He's still very weak, but could be moved if we needed the room. He can stay with me for now." Dean flashed a disappointed look, but nodded. "He also doesn't seem like he knows much. Apart from me, no one knew he was alive. He used the rest of his grace to get here."

    "Do you think he's dangerous?" Dean asked.

    "No," Cas smirked a little. "Without his juice, he's as dangerous as a baby in a trenchcoat." Dean frowned at the comment obviously directed at him. Cas lead them to the medical cabin and they gathered around Gabriel's bedside.

    "Dean-o! Did you bring me flowers?" The archangel asked, smiling weakly.

    "Not in the mood, Gabriel," Dean replied dismissively. "I still have yet to decide whether you're worth keeping around or not."

    "Comic relief?" Gabe smirked again, bringing a coughing fit on.

    "Yeah, well," Dean scratched his head a little. "How about we get you fixed up first?" He patted Gabriel's shin and the angel winced. Dean walked out with Chuck but Cas stayed. He sat back down in the chair and pulled a pill bottle out of his pocket.

    "Here. This will help with the pain," Cas opened the bottle and poured one out for each of them. Gabriel eyed him as Cas swallowed his, not even taking a drink.

    "Become an expert in pill popping, I see," Gabriel commented then washed his pill down with a glass of water. "Of all the angels I expected to fall hard, I would have never put my money on you. Then again, you've never done anything half-assed." Cas chuckled a little.

    "Well, thats true," he stretched out in the chair like a cat and cracked his neck. "Once that kicks in, we can get you settled over in my cabin."

    "Dean didn't object to that?" Gabriel raised an eyebrow as he sat up, shakily.

    "Not verbally," Cas admitted. They spent the rest of the day getting Gabriel settled on a cot in Cas's cabin. The former archangel marveled at his collection of glass and other artifacts that he had gathered from various sources. He still had an ounce of grace left that he used to conjure up a few more books for their library as a thank you. A couple days later, when Gabriel was starting to feel better, they took a tour of the camp. He tried out different things, trying to find something for him to do. It turned out he had a real knack for sharpshooting, which Dean found essential, and officially approved of his residency. It disappointed Cas a bit, since the only other person in the world he could relate to was out on raids or missions every day. He was right to think that Gabriel enjoyed his lifestyle, though, and gladly indulged in it when he could. "Business" had picked up since the word got around that not only was there a fallen angel in camp, but a fallen archangel as well. At first Gabriel tried to turn them away, explaining that they didn't have any powers, but quickly redacted his argument once he heard the word "orgy".

    Cas could tell that while Dean recognized Gabriel's usefulness, he severely disapproved of how close the former angels had gotten. He threw looks over at them when they would laugh at an inside joke, usually in enochian, and then scowl and walk away. Cas finally confronted him one day and Dean profusely denied his feelings, as always. A couple nights later, he walked up to their leader's cabin, bottle of whiskey in his hand. Cas found Dean pouring over maps and notes he had from interrogating demons. Dean looked up as Cas set the bottle and two mismatched shot glasses on the table. Wordlessly, he poured the whiskey into them and handed a glass to Dean. They downed them together, not breaking eye contact. They did shot after shot in silence, stopping only when Cas finally grabbed Dean by his jacket and pulled him onto his cot.

    They hadn't been together since Gabriel had arrived, and the hunter clawed at him hungrily, practically ripping his clothing off. Both knew that they had been with others in the meantime, but nothing compared to each other. Dean constantly longed for the way that Cas knew every inch of him, down to his soul, and exactly how to drive him insane. Cas loved how the hunter reminded him of how things used to be, and let him forget who or what he was for a while. In Dean's eyes, he would always be an angel. His hands ran across the scarred skin, kissing each mark, as if he could heal again. Dean's fingers dug in and scratched at the sensitive skin where Cas's wings used to be, causing the former angel to cry out in pleasure.

    The world fell away while they rediscovered each other, forgetting for a few moments about the hell that they had come to live in. The hunter let go, giving Cas all control, relieved at not having to lead for once. They came almost simultaneously, Dean staining the already dirty sheets, and crying out the former angel's name. He didn't care if the entire camp heard. Most knew anyway. Cas pulled away and laid down behind him, clutching him close, rubbing his nose in the hunter's hair, and kissing beneath his ear.

    "I love you," he whispered softly as Dean started to drift off to sleep. He assumed his confession had gone unheard until he felt Dean's hand grip his, reciprocating without saying a word. Not that he needed to. Cas always knew.


	3. Chapter 3

   Months passed before the incident happened. Cas was sure this was the moment the tides turned. The true beginning of the end. Everything had seemed almost normal up until then. Cas and Gabe ran their makeshift business as Dean and Chuck ran the camp. Refugees came and went like shadows, their faces melding together and blurring in Cas’s mind. It was all just a pill here, or a massage there. No names and no stories, that was their policy.

   Every once in a while, there came a week or two where Gabriel and Cas had a lull in visitors. Such a week came in early June, so they went to the task of organizing stock and sometimes dipping into it.

   “Cas, have you tried these yet?” Gabe asked, turning away from the box he was digging in and holding a baggie. Cas looked up and crossed the room, snatching the bag up and holding it to the light from the window. It was one of the bags he still had from Bobby’s that had somehow gotten buried. The faded sharpie read “Molly” and Cas shrugged, handing the bag back to Gabe.

   “Guess not,” he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Must have lost it in the move.”

   “Well, now’s your chance, kiddo,” Gabe grinned and opened the bag, taking out a pill for each of them. They popped them simultaneously and took a drink from their canteens before sinking down to pillows on the floor.

    It didn't take long for the drug to take effect. The world slowly melded into a sweet harmony that Cas never knew until now. War and disease plagued the planet and, it seemed okay. Everything seemed okay. Gabe seemed to have the same reaction, seeing as he was smiling at Cas and absentmindedly threading his fingers through one of their bead curtains. Seeing Gabe so content stirred something in him.

   "Gabe," Castiel managed to say, "do you remember when I was a fledgling?"

   Gabe grinned stupidly and chuckled a little. "Yeah. You were the poster child for ADHD."

    "You were the only one that could calm me down," Cas recalled, smiling. "We'd go racing around earth and I'd always win."

    "Ah, I'd always let you win," Gabe corrected, putting his finger up, weakly. "I'm the messenger of God, dumbass. Or was, I guess." He laughed at his statement. Cas laughed as well then crawled across the floor to him. Gabe looked at him with some confusion, but then soft realization came over him. He opened his arms and Cas fell into them, nuzzling the former archangel's chest with his nose. Every touch was inviting and made their senses tingle.

    "I remember falling asleep in your wings," Cas mumbled into Gabe's chest. "They were so soft."

    "I remember when I had wings, baby bro," Gabe pulled him close and buried his nose in Cas's hair. He smelled like incense and oil, but underneath was still a trace of a tropical storm. They closed their eyes for a bit, wrapped in each other, remembering heaven and just being brothers for the first time in an eternity.

    A hard knocking jarred them out of their daydream and they both half-heartedly yelled for whoever it was to come inside. Dean burst in, flinging the bead curtain aside.

    "Damnit, Gabe, we had a fucking drill this morning!" Dean shouted. "I know you think you're hot fucking shit since you used to be--what the actual fuck."

    Cas looked up from Gabe's chest and smiled softly at Dean. "I used to fall asleep in Gabe's wings when I was little," he explained. "You should come cuddle." Gabe nodded and moved his arm to invite him in.

    "No, Cas, I don't want to fucking cuddle," Dean ran a hand through his hair, then rubbed his neck. "Just, whenever you guys are down from...whatever the hell you're on, I have a mission for Gabe." He made to leave, then turned back to look at Cas. "And, uh, I need to see you tonight." A flurry of beads later and he was gone, stomping down the steps of the cabin, swearing profusely. Gabe put his arm back around Cas and rubbed his shoulder.

    "Does he realize the entire camp knows about you two?" Gabe asked, chuckling a bit.

    "He likes to pretend it's a secret," Cas replied, laying his head back on Gabe's chest.

 

    Cas sat on the steps outside Dean's cabin, waiting for Gabe to emerge. Night had already fallen before they came back to reality. It was a relatively quiet evening for being the end of the world. Cas looked up at the stars and sighed. No one was there anymore. Just balls of gas and dust. The door creaked open and Cas stood up as Gabe walked out.

    "I have to lead a scout troop pretty close to the city," Gabe said, his hands in his jacket pockets. "Should be back in a couple days." He reached up with one hand and ruffled Cas's hair, then kissed the top of his head. "Stay safe, little brother." Gabe grinned and Cas smiled back before they took off in opposite directions. He made his way to Dean's door and knocked politely.

    "Come in, Cas," Dean acknowledged. He opened the door and slid inside, closing it softly behind him. While Dean fiddled with various papers on his table, Cas walked toward the cot and started to take his shirt off, anticipating what usually happened when he was summoned at night. A hand came to rest on his arm, and he looked up, seeing Dean shaking his head.

    “That’s not what I wanted to see you about,” Dean avoided looking Cas in the eyes as he went to sit back down at his table.

    “What is it then, Dean?” Cas noticed the shiver that went through him at the sound of his name, before he abruptly shook it off.

    “We can’t do...this anymore,” Dean said, shuffling papers that had already been put in their place. “You--This is distracting me from my duties.”

    Cas stared at Dean, his hands balling into fists. “Distracting you from what? Being head asshole of a group of broken refugees?” He spat.

    “At least I serve a purpose, Cas,” Dean argued, standing up. “All you do is get high and fuck around all day.”

    “People need emotional and mental protection as well as physical,” Cas took a step closer. “Not as if you care, since you’ve been bottling up your emotions since before Sam would talk.”

    “Don’t you say his fucking name,” Dean gritted his teeth and got in Cas’s face. “You walk out of this cabin right now.”

    “Or what?” Cas asked. “You’ll shoot me? Cuz I’ll even pull the trigger for you.” Dean studied Cas’s face for a moment, as their breaths mingled together in the space between them. He looked away quickly and walked back to the table, leaning on it with his fists.

    “Please, Cas,” Dean said, softly. “Just leave.”

    “Fine,” He opened the door and took a look back at Dean before exiting the cabin completely. As he walked down the stairs, Cas heard something solid hit a wall in the cabin, and he sighed. Upon arriving at his cabin, he noticed that Gabe had already left for the mission. Cas grabbed a pre-packed bong, sat on his cot, and lit it, inhaling as much as he could, causing a coughing fit. The tears from coughing broke him and he cried softly into pillow until he fell asleep.

 

    Cas woke to a commotion going on outside. He quickly threw on a cleaner shirt and made his way out to find out what was going on. Dean was trying to calm the crowd down and explain what had happened.

    “There was a demon ambush last night on the scout troop that I had sent out to the city,” Dean explained, once the crowd quieted down. Cas’s heart tightened. Gabe was leading that troop.

    “Out of the six that were sent on the mission, three made it back,” Dean continued. “Two were killed, but the leader, Gabriel, was taken hostage by Lucifer.” The crowd gasped and the breath went out of Cas’s lungs. Of course he would take Gabriel hostage. They were brothers, after all.

    “I will be assembling a rescue party that leaves tomorrow. This is a volunteer-only mission,” Dean announced. “We leave at sunset.”

 

    Gabe awoke in what looked like a hospital room. He tried moving his arms and legs, but they seemed to be held down by restraints. A cold breeze came across him and he turned his head to see exactly who he expected to see in the doorway.

    “Hello, brother,” Lucifer said, smiling Sam’s smile. “I must say, I wasn’t expecting you to show up on my doorstep.”

    “Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting to be here, either,” The back of Gabe’s eyes stung at the sight of his brother inhabiting the younger Winchester’s body. Lucifer stepped closer until he was at Gabe’s bedside, staring down at him.

    “Hmmm...You loved him, didn’t you?” The devil asked, tilting his head slightly. Gabe looked away from him as tears started to hit his eyes. Since he had arrived at the camp, he had been careful to avoid the topic of Sam Winchester. For one, Dean insisted on it, choosing to believe his brother was completely dead, instead of walking around as a meatsuit for Satan. As for the second reason, it was because Gabe had been foolish enough to love him.

    “Like you care. You’ve never cared about anyone except yourself,” Gabe replied, still looking away.

    “Oh, little brother, that simply isn’t true,” Lucifer placed a finger unger Gabe’s chin and turned his face back toward him. “I cared about you. I cared about Father. I even cared about Michael.”

    “If you cared about us, you wouldn’t have fallen,” Gabe protested. “You would have accepted humans as they are. You would have rejoiced in their existence.”

    “How could I, when the only love I ever knew was for our Father?” Lucifer pulled his hand away and walked around the bed.

    “If you really loved him, you would have done as he asked,” Gabe followed his brother with his eyes. “You were always such a selfish dick, you know that? Even when you were teaching me tricks, I ended up learning most of them on my own. To think, I idolized you, Lucifer. Before you fell, I wanted to be just like you. Be loved by Dad as much as you were.” He shook his head and gave a sad smile. “He could have done so much worse to you.”

    “Worse than eternal damnation? I think not,” Lucifer chuckled a little.

    “He left you a way out. He let you have a way of escaping,” Gabe explained. “I never got that luxury.”

    “And what was your torment? Living with the pagans for a millennia?” He laughed again. “I suppose that’s rather horrible, but you chose that for yourself.”

    “My torment was being fated to love the mortal that was destined to be a vessel for my brother,” Gabe stared at Lucifer, who wore a smirk.

    “Would you like to speak to him?” He said, after a few moments of silence.

    Gabe’s expression softened. “You...He’s not dead?”

    “Not yet. He’s still hanging on,” Lucifer looked at his hand and flexed his fingers a bit. “I will give him control for a night, if that is what you’d wish.”

    “What’s the catch?” Gabe asked. With Lucifer, there was always a catch.

    “Lead Dean Winchester here. They will be organizing a search party for you, I assume,” The devil’s smile widened. “He’s the only human still stubborn enough to stand up to me. With him gone, the world will fall into place and I will be free to do as I wish.”

    “Fine,” Gabe agreed quickly. Like he could argue. The world was going to shit, and he was gonna go out with it. At least this way, he could have a night with Sam. Lucifer circled around to the side of the bed again.

    “Come on, Gabriel, you know how deals are done,” Lucifer bent down close to his brother’s face. “Just pretend I’m already him.”  Gabe reconsidered for only a second before he was being kissed. In seconds, Sam filled his senses. The coldness and smell of sulfur was gone and replaced with the soft scent of spices and tea. He lost himself in the kiss, shocked when Sam quickly pulled away.

    “What the--Gabriel?” Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “Why are you here and...Why are you strapped down?”

    “Well, Lucifer and...Lucifer,” Gabe smiled at him. “Care to give me a hand, kiddo?”

    “Oh yeah,” Sam quickly unbuckled the restraints that held Gabe down, and he sat up, rubbing his wrists a little. “You didn’t come to fight him, did you?”

    “No, no, of course not,” Gabe assured him. “I was out scouting for your brother and Luci kinda captured me.”

    “Dean? He’s still alive?” Sam grinned like it was the best day of his life. Gabe’s heart melted at the sight of him so happy.

    “Yeah. He’s leading a group of survivors and Cas is there with him. Chuck, too,” He regaled.

    “And Bobby?”

    “He, um…” Gabe had only heard the story from Cas after he had gotten better. “Before the angels left, Zachariah, he came down and...Bobby didn’t make it.” Sam’s face fell, and it felt like a knife went through Gabe’s chest. “I know he meant a lot to you, but they gave him a hunter’s funeral and...Sammy, please.” He grabbed Sam’s hands and held them tight, ducking his head a little. “I only have one night with you and I don’t want you to be sad, just...please.”

    Sam cupped Gabe’s cheek and lifted his head up. “Okay,” He leaned down to hug the former archangel and kiss his cheek. “Okay.”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just to be clear, I'M SORRY
> 
> And Gabe went to help Sam once he split off from Dean, before he said Yes. That's the thing in Chicago.

   "Absolutely not," Dean stated when Cas walked up to him at sunset. A sizable group had gathered for Gabe's rescue, since he had been rather popular among the refugees.

   "He's my brother, Dean," Cas argued. "I'm coming with whether you like it or not." The leader clenched his jaw but nodded, handing Cas an M4 before turning to the group.

   "This is a rescue mission," Dean reiterated. "We are not taking any unnecessary risks. Follow me and we will all get out of there. Try to be a hero, and Lucifer will kill you before you even get a chance." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Let's roll out." Cas chose to ride shotgun in Dean's jeep, knowing that the ride would be quiet at least. The first 15 minutes were silent, but Cas noticed Dean eyeing him in his peripheral.

   "I shouldn't have sent him out," Dean finally admitted, breaking the silence.

   "No, you shouldn't have," Cas agreed, still choosing to stare at the road. "Taking out your jealousy on him was extremely immature."

   "Woah, Cas, that isn't why I--"

   "Don't you dare think you can lie to me after all this time, Dean Winchester," Cas interrupted, turning on him. "I've always been able to see right through you. You may be sad and disappointed that he got caught, but you don't regret for a second sending him out there and that..." He looked back at the road and sighed. "That's something I've only seen in demons."

   "Oh , so you think I'm a demon, now?" Dean spat. "All because I broke up your little angel incest cuddle party?"

   "Don't be stupid," Cas replied. "I may have fallen, but I can tell the difference between a demon and a human who just doesn't give a shit anymore."

   Dean stared at him as long as the road would allow. They refused to look or talk to each other for the rest of the drive.

 

   Gabe rolled over in the small hospital bed and glanced out the only window available to him. A small wave of panic crashed over him as he noticed the sky begin to lighten. He rolled back to his other side where Sam lay, breathing softly. His heart caught in his throat as his eyes traced the hunter's body, barely covered by the thin sheet that was provided. Gabe went to move a lock of chestnut hair out of Sam's eyes, causing him to awaken and softly smile at the former archangel. Some tears welled in his eyes as he smiled back, because the person beside him was so beautifully and obviously Sam.

   "Gabe, please...its not morning, yet," Sam sat up suddenly and placed his hand on his lover's face, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

   "Look outside. It's the lark, kiddo," Gabe quoted, smiling a little.

   "You know you don't have to do it," Sam placed his forehead against Gabe's. "Please don't do it. He's my brother."

   "I already made the deal," he breathed, trying to keep his composure. "And Lucifer he--"

   "Gabe, please," Sam begged. "My dying wish. I'm begging you."

   Gabe pulled away and brought his hands up to smooth Sam's hair. "You're not gonna die. You just have to fight, and even if you do," he sighed and smiled sadly. "Remember that promise we made in Chicago?" Sam smiled a little and nodded. "It may be a little harder since I'm human now, but I'm gonna find a way to be with you, Sammy. Even if I have to go through purgatory to hell and get you myself. I'll always find a way."

   "I'm sorry I did this," Sam closed his eyes, trying hard to feign tears. "I'm sorry I said 'yes'. I just wanted it to be over."

   "We all did, kiddo," Gabe wiped his lover's tears away with his thumbs. "We all still do, but its okay. I forgive you."

   The sky started to show some purple and orange and Sam grabbed the back of Gabe's neck, kissing him, though their lips were wet with tears.

   "I love you, Gabriel," he confessed between kisses. "I'll always love you."

   "I love you, too," Gabe choked out, trying to pull their bodies as close as possible. "I love you so much, Sam."

   A ray of sunlight finally hit the window and burst into the room, landing almost directly between them. Sam pulled away quickly and Gabe looked up as he donned Lucifer's smirk once more.

   "I trust you had an exciting night," he said, slipping out from under the sheet and putting his suit back on.

   "Like it's any of your business," Gabe hopped off the bed, dried his face with his shirt, and slipped back into his pants.

   "It is my vessel you were defiling last night," Lucifer argued. "But regardless, you understand our arrangement, correct?" He turned toward his brother as he buttoned up his white shirt.

   "Yes," Gabe somberly confirmed. "I'll sit outside and let them come to me."

   "Good. Here, little brother," Lucifer waved his hand and Gabe's pistol, knife, and rifle appeared on the bed. "When they get here, kill everyone except Dean."

   "What if Cas is with them?" Gabe asked, slowly putting on his gear.

   "Castiel? The angel of Thursday?" He nodded, buttoning his suit coat. "Hmmm...interesting. Spare him for now. He may come in handy."

   Lucifer flew off and left Gabe alone for a moment to compose himself. This was it. This was the end. He checked over his weapons one last time and recessed his mind to think like a warrior once more. Gabriel the Archangel, one of heaven's most powerful weapons. He smirked a little, wondering what God thought of his messenger son, who only cared about pranks and laughs, actually becoming the warrior that he was meant to be.

 

   Despite their fight in the car, Cas was the only one that Dean could truly trust, and chose to take him with his unit. They approached the hospital cautiously,  not sure what was going to be there.

   "Where are all the sentries?" Cas asked after they had almost made it to the broken down fence that surrounded the place.

   "I'm not sure, but I don't like it," Dean replied, signaling for the unit to stop. A shot rang out to their left and they heard someone fall. Seconds later, another shot went off to their right this time.

   "SNIPER!" Someone yelled before another shot was taken, dropping him to the ground. Dean grabbed Cas by the arm and pulled him under a sheet of metal nearby.

   "Where the fuck did he get a demon that could snipe?" Dean clenched his jaw as he heard the shots ring out and his people dropping one by one. Cas's heart broke, looking at him, knowing he had lead his team into an ambush and there was nothing he could do. After a couple minutes, the firing stopped and the two of them held their breath, unsure of whether it was safe to emerge or not.

    "Dean? Castiel?" A familiar, yet foreign voice called out. "It's alright to come out. I'm not ready to kill you yet." Cas could feel the rage building in Dean. The hunter's knuckles were white as he gripped his gun, a fearsome debate going on in his mind as he tried to decide whether Lucifer was telling the truth or not. The decision was made for him as Cas slowly crawled out from under the makeshift shelter. He had to admit that the sight was odd. What should have been Sam Winchester stood atop a hill in front of the hospital, hands in his pockets, in a very tailored white suit. The complete opposite of the societal collapse around him.

   "Ah, Cas," he cocked his head slightly. "It's odd to see you as human. I miss the heads."

   "Lucifer," Cas nodded in acknowledgement. "It's odd to see you as my best friend. I miss the halo." Dean had since followed him out and was currently staring Cas down in terror, as if trying to telepathically remind him that it was the goddamn devil he was sassing.

   "Even for being mortal, rebellion fits you," Lucifer commented, chuckling. "I could have used more angels like you. Speaking of which...Gabriel. Please join us." A figure came walked out on top of the hill, slightly hunched over and holding a rifle.

   "You fucking traitor!" Dean yelled. "Those people were coming to help you! People you have helped! I knew I should have never fucking let you--"

   "Dean, please," Cas interrupted, his voice resonating with authority that the hunter hadn't heard in years. "I'm sure he has an explanation."

   "Yes, Gabriel," Lucifer smirked. "Care to explain?" Gabe looked up at his older brother, trying hard to hold back his defiant nature.

   "He let me see Sam," Gabe explained, looking down the hill. "I got to spend an entire night with him." He smiled a little. "He misses you guys and he..." He took a breath and looked down. "He's sorry for everything."

   "Sorry doesn't fucking cut it, Sam," Dean muttered under his breath, attempting to turn his regret into anger.

   "So, what now?" Cas asked, doing his best to be strong since Dean appeared to be extremely thoughtless in front of his brother-turned-Satan. "You kill us and you win?"

   "Well, that was the original plan," Lucifer said, taking a couple steps toward them. "But I think I'd rather keep you around a bit. Break you down and twist your souls. Archdemon has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

   The next few moments were burned into Cas's mind forever. Gabriel yelled for them to run and took a shot at Lucifer. The bullet hit him in the shoulder, as shock came over his face. Dean had already turned to run and was trying to grab Cas, who stood still as a statue, eyes fixed on Gabe. Lucifer turned quickly, wound already healed.

   "How dare you," he growled, raising his hand. "I granted you mercy, brother." The hand that Gabe was holding his pistol in was starting to shake. "I let you see your precious human." The pistol slowly turned on Gabe, and stark realization came over him. "Now, because of your insolence, you'll watch each other die."

   “Lucifer, please. Not like this,” tears streamed down Gabe's face as he involuntarily pressed the barrel to his temple. The darkness fell from Lucifer's eyes and both former angels immediately recognized them as Sam's. They welled up as he looked around and realized what was happening.

   "Gabriel! No! God...Please, No!"

   "It's okay, Sammy. It'll be--"

   While the flick of Lucifer's wrist and Gabe pulling the trigger took a split second, Cas could only remember it in slow motion. The bullet passed straight through Gabe's head, spraying the grass with blood as he dropped the gun and fell to his knees. Sam cried out Gabriel’s name as his eyes rolled in the back of his head. It thrashed on his neck uncontrollably while the rest of his body remained still. After a few seconds it regained control, and he turned to look at Cas, showing that his eyes had turned a glowing red.

   “CAS, GET IN THE FUCKING JEEP,” Dean’s yell pulled him out of his trance and he had only then noticed that the hunter had left him. Cas turned quickly and jumped into the vehicle as Dean took off. He twisted around and looked back at Lucifer, staring at the scene until they turned a corner and out of sight. Slowly, his body turned and sank back into the seat, overcome with shock.

 

   “You came back for me,” Cas blurted out after a few minutes of silence. “I didn’t even realize you had gone and you…” He trailed off and went quiet again, staring out the windshield. Dean didn’t say a word, but pulled over to the side of the road once he decided they were safe. He stepped out of the jeep and walked around to the passenger’s side, opening the door. Cas crawled out and Dean grabbed him as the former angel broke, sobbing into his shoulder and mouthing Gabriel’s name as he gripped the hunter’s jacket. They sunk down in the ditch, backs against the jeep. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and carded his fingers through his hair as he cried.

   “I’m sorry, Cas,” He whispered against Cas’s skin. “I’m so sorry.” Dean held him even tighter as he started to shake. “And, of course, I came back for you. I…” His voice broke a little as he finally admitted it to himself and his angel. “I love you. I can’t--I could never do this without you.” Cas looked up for a moment, eyes wet and swollen. Wordlessly, Dean pulled him close and kissed him, letting his actions explain his words. They stayed in the ditch for what seemed like forever, wrapped in each other, trying to forget the events that had transpired. Once neither had any more tears left to cry, they left, knowing that the camp had the right to know what happened and greve as well.

 


	5. Chapter 5

    As the weeks passed, Dean refused to leave Cas's side. The former angel was rarely sober anymore, whether it was drugs or alcohol, and Dean didn't want him to fatally overdo it. After everything, he couldn't lose Cas. He couldn't lose his angel, broken as he may be. As for the rest of the camp, once Dean had given them the news, the entire place took on a much more somber tone. Some families who had members that had been lost in the attempted rescue left, deeming Dean an unfit leader. He didn't argue as they left, seeing them as a weakness instead of an asset.

    For almost a week, Cas never spoke more than a couple words at a time, always punctuating it with a swig of some form of alcohol. Dean often had to rip various pill bottles out of his hands from time to time, fearing overdose. Cas would complain at first, whining to let Dean let him go numb, until the hunter started kissing him, giving him a safer high to chase. Eventually, Cas caught on, electing to go to Dean's cabin whenever he felt the need to down a bottle of pills.

    "You okay?" Dean asked as Cas came storming in one night.

    "Would I be here if I was?" He crossed the room and pulled Dean up from where he was sitting, into a heated kiss.

    He gave in on instinct, but pulled away after a minute. "You can't treat me like a fucking drug."

    "But, you've always been my favorite drug..." Cas hummed against his neck. "You make me feel better than any chemical." Dean couldn't bring himself to argue once Cas started kissing his neck and nipping at his ear.

    "Last time," he breathed as he pushed Cas over to the bed.

    "Any time could be our last, baby," Cas sat down as his knees hit the mattress and looked up at Dean before trailing his hands down his sides to his hips. He grabbed the hunter by his thigh holster and pulled him close, mouthing against his denim clad thigh and where a bulge was starting to form. Dean let out a soft moan and ran a hand through Cas's hair.

    As much as Dean protested, he couldn't say no to Cas. Under the layers of addiction, he still knew that the former angel loved him, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel the same. Ever since they had started whatever this was, Cas always knew exactly what to do to keep Dean from ever turning him away. Their bond was beyond profound and he felt it every time they touched. Cas's fingers nimbly undid the hunter's belt, then he pulled at his waistband with his teeth, the button coming undone as he tugged. He dove in again, licking up the zipper so he could catch it in his teeth and pull it down as well. Dean immediately wished he could thank whoever taught Cas that move, because damn, it was hot.

    "I want you," Cas murmured as he pulled Dean's jeans down. "I want every beautiful inch of you."

    "Fuck, Cas," Dean moaned, his hips bucking a little at every touch and kiss. "Of course. Anything you want." Cas looked up, thumbs circling Dean's hipbones through his boxer briefs. He slowly stood, lifting the hunter's shirt and kissing up his chest until he could pull it off.

    "I want everything, Dean," Cas explained, kissing along his clavicle. "I want your body, your heart, your soul...I need," he sighed and wove a hand into the hunter's hair, "everything." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and held him tight.

    "You already have it, dumbass," Dean nuzzled his face into Cas's neck and nipped at his ear. "You had my soul when you went through hell to drag it out. You had my body when you pieced it back together cell by cell. And my heart?" Dean pulled away to look into Cas's eyes. "I've given it to you a million times over. No matter what happens, no matter what I say or do, I will never take it back." He wiped away a stray tear that had rolled down Cas's face, then kissed him. "I love you, Cas," Dean whispered against his lips. The former angel crashed his lips into Dean's, letting every emotion he had into the kiss.

    The hunter guided Cas down onto the bed and straddled him, their lips barely breaking contact. Dean removed Cas's shirt, then kissed down his chest to his pants.

    "Let me take care of you, angel," he said, untying Cas's pants.

    "I'm not an angel anymore," Cas reminded him as he lifted his hips to let Dean pull his pants down.

    "You'll always be an angel to me, Castiel." His body hummed as the trickle of remaining grace left in him recognized when Dean said his full name. The buzz continued as Dean descended and pressed his tongue against Cas's hole, licking all around it. The sensation was near overwhelming and caused him to let out a soft whine. Dean sucked on one of his fingers then pushed it into Cas.

    "Dean..." he breathed, moving to force Dean's finger deeper. Spit was a poor substitute for proper lube, but Cas preferred it that way. He reveled in the burn and craved the feral act of it all. Dean wet a second finger and slowly inserted it next to the first. Cas moaned as the hunter scissored him open and kissed the inside of his thighs.

    "Are you ready?" Dean asked, bending down and licking the stretched out muscle. He dared to use a third finger and pushed into Cas, finding his prostate.

    "Yes!" Cas cried out, his back arching. "Fuck...Yes, Dean...Please." He grabbed Dean's shoulder enough to bruise and pulled him up, kissing him desperately. "I need you."

    "I need you, too," Dean whispered, bringing his hand up to lick his palm. When it was sufficiently wet, he moved it back between them and stroked himself, trying to make the entry as slick as possible. He lined up and started to enter Cas slowly when the former angel grabbed his hips and impaled himself, causing them both to cry out. Cas threw his head back and hissed through the pain, focusing more on Dean being full and deep inside him. Dean dug his fingertips into Cas's sides, surprised at the sudden rush of sensation.

    "Were you planning on warning me?" Dean panted, looking down at his lover, eyes blown wide with lust.

    "I said I needed you," Cas replied, whining a little. "Now can you please just fucking move already?" Dean smirked and pulled out to the tip, then slammed back into Cas. He kept the pace fast and hard, Cas moaning with every thrust. His nails dug into Dean's back, leaving behind streaks of red. The hunter's thrusts became erratic and a sheen of sweat started to show on his skin.

    "Cas, I..."

    "Dean..." A few more jerks of his hips and both were calling the others name, Cas painting their stomachs and Dean filling him up. The hunter collapsed on top of his angel, sliding out of him easily. He rolled over, lying next to him on the tiny cot and sighed, one arm extended upward, absentmindedly stroking Cas's hair.

    "I'm sorry," Cas admitted, breaking the silence, not even sure what he was apologizing for.

    "It's fine, Cas," Dean sighed, sitting up and throwing his legs over the edge of the bed. Cas propped himself up on his elbows and stared at Dean as he got dressed. He knew when the hunter wanted to drop a subject. That was it. Dean turned toward the table, checking maps as Cas got dressed.

    "Mission tomorrow?" Cas asked as he pulled his shirt on.

    "We finally have a good lead on the colt," Dean explained, making notes on a piece of paper. "Gonna try and get it." He walked over and grabbed his jacket and rifle. "I'm on patrol tonight, though." Cas crossed the cabin to him and placed a chaste kiss on Dean's lips.

    "Be careful," Cas said, running his hands down Dean's chest. Ever since Gabriel, he had been nervous about any mission or patrol, no matter how routine. He let his hand linger and drag across Dean's stomach as he passed him to go out the door. The hunter grabbed his wrist before he could make his way out.

    "You know what it means if we get the colt, right?" Dean asked, softly.

    "Yes," Cas replied, not turning his head. "You can avenge your brother."

    "And yours, Cas," Dean reminded, sending a shudder through the former angel. He broke free to Dean's grip and pushed open the door.

    "I have a ceremony to prepare for tomorrow," Cas deflected. "I hope patrol goes well." He didn't wait for an answer before stepping out into the night and heading to his cabin.

 

    "So, in this way. We're each a fragment of total perception—just, uh, one compartment in that dragonfly eye of group mind," Cas smiled at the girls around him. "Now, the key to this total, shared perception—it's, um, it's surprisingly physical." Cas looked up, noticing Dean in the doorway. Odd. He had left for the mission this morning. Then again, what did he know. This stoned, time didn't have much of a meaning.

    "Oh. Excuse me, ladies. I think I need to confer with our fearless leader for a minute. Why not go get washed up for the orgy?" He winked at Dean, then smiled at each one of the girls as they got up and left the cabin, calling them beautiful as they passed him. Once they left he stood, stretching a little. Regardless of the night before, he could still use some limbering up.

    "What are you? A hippie?" Dean asked as his back was turned. Hmm...more crass than usual, but he always got a little jealous when he walked in on a session.

    "I thought you had gotten over trying to label me," he turned around and put his arms back at his sides.

    "Cas, we gotta talk," Dean said, urgently. The former angel's eyes flicked to Dean's face and scanned it. Thats when he noticed.

    "Whoa. Strange," Cas stepped forward a little to further examine the anomaly that stood before him.

    "What?" Dean asked, apparently oblivious.

    "You...are not you," Cas explained. "Not now you, anyway." The lines of age were wiped from this Dean's face. His eyes were bright and hopeful still.

    "No! Yeah," Dean shook his head a little in confusion. "Yes, exactly."

    "What year are you from?" Cas asked, knowing it had to be sometime before Sam had said yes.

    "2009," Past Dean said. Cas's breath caught for a moment. He had less than a year before...

    "Who did this to you?" Cas mused, searching for an explanation. "Is it Zachariah?"

    "Yes."

    "Interesting," Cas brought a thumb to his chin and pondered. This was before they got together...and he was much more experienced now...

    "Oh, yeah, it's friggin' fascinating," Past Dean quickly snapped him out of his thoughts. "Now. Why don't you strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calendar?" Cas couldn't help but smile at that. Bless 2009 Dean. He still had so much faith and hope.

    "I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings," Cas did his best not to break out into laughter, "but I'm sorry, no dice."

    "What, are you stoned?" Past Dean seemed genuinely offended and, god, did Cas miss that.

    "Uh, generally, yeah," He responded, still smiling.

    "What happened to you?" Past Dean asked softly. Cas's smile wilted a bit. He knew there was no way this Dean could know why or how he had become what he was. That it was his fault. That months from this moment, he would give Cas his first high, and a year from now, give him everything. This Dean didn't know who Gabriel was, or that his brother was in love with him. Cas could tell him everything in this moment. Tell him to go back. Tell him what to do right and what to keep the same.

    "Life," Cas settled on. Because that's ultimately what it was. Some sick, twisted, so-called life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very groundbreaking fic for me, I think and I'm very proud of it. Thank you for reading and wading your way though all the angst! Comments and feedback are very appreciated, and if you would like to find me on tumblr, my URL is archangelsanonymous.

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS TO [GRACE](http://runawaydean.tumblr.com) FOR GIVING ME THE IDEA AND SEEING IT THOUGH AND BETAING AND OMG SHE'S AMAZING I LOVE HER.


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